So I realized today that I really have not been good, like at all, for the last few weeks. And it’s really hard for me to talk about feeling bad during the bad times—I don’t like talking about it until after I’m already through it and on the other side, and I can be all reflective and wise and chill about it. But I’m not feeling very reflective or wise and definitely not chill. Honestly, I feel really lost and stuck and it’s confusing because I don’t feel awful all the time, I just very often find myself feeling totally empty and like there’s not very much for me to hold on to. And I know that sounds really bad, but like, I am okay. Not in the sense that right now I’m totally fine and dandy, but in the sense that I do know that this is just a thing that I’m going through right now, and that it will end, and that I will feel better. So in that sense, I am okay. I trust that things will be better, and I’m doing my best to be grateful and joyful at every opportunity. But I am having a hard time. And normally I would just pretend that’s not happening and avoid everything that might make me confront the fact that I am actually not so good, but I don’t want to be like that anymore, you know? Part of my overall healing has to be acknowledging when things are bad. That’s one of my biggest issues, and I know it. I like to fake it, to power through, to act like I’m doing amazing, and in fact I did all of those things for so many years that I actually started to believe it for myself. I actually started to believe that how awful I felt, how sad and angry and disappointed and lost I felt, how much I was struggling, was normal, and that that was just my version of happy and of being alive. But now, I know that’s not true, and that I do deserve to be happy. So I’m acknowledging that right now, I’m really not. But I still believe that I will be, and that I deserve to be. I know what my standard for happiness are now, and I know that how I feel at the moment isn’t meeting them. But things will get better. And that’s enough for now.
Ft: another picture of my kitten because she is currently a great source of joy for me when I’m sad.