stress.

A lot has been changing this past week! Good and bad things. I’ve been getting really excited about fall, decorating the house and making fall playlists and just feeling generally cozy. There are at least three fall candles in every room. Also, I got a kitten. I’ve been trying to adopt one for a little while now, and last Saturday I finally got one! She’s a very sweet, very cute and playful little tortie named Theodora (Theo for short, obviously) and I am totally in love with her. It’s been kind of a big adjustment, because she needs time to get comfortable in her new home and with the cat that already lives here (one of my roommates also has a cat) and so I’ve just been spending a lot of time doing things the last several days, and it’s been kind of emotionally and mentally draining. Also, physically draining, because she is very awake during the hours in which normal human beings sleep. She wakes me up about every two hours, and most mornings she wakes me up permanently at about five am. I’m more than happy to be up with her, and it’s honestly been so much fun, but it has been a struggle to not get my usual full night of sleep. So today, I sort of hit a wall. I just woke up feeling so off. Just dreading the day, not wanting to move, feeling sad and grouchy and like I’d bite off anyone’s head who even thought of speaking to me. And it felt doubly awful, because I felt so far away from myself. None of those feelings are who I am, so I felt so frustrated all day that I couldn’t access me. I also have been feeling so insanely frustrated and stressed about money and paying my bills lately, and that really just piled on top of everything else. I am so used to being totally independent and in charge of my finances, and the fact that that’s not possible right now, the fact that I can’t work right now brought me to a whole new low. ALSO! My back has been in absolutely completely excruciating pain, like all day constant non-stop no-relief insane awful pain. I just felt completely defeated today, like I was lying at the bottom of a deep hole that I couldn’t climb out of. I spent a good deal of the day lying on the floor. (It’s not really as bad as it sounds, I was spending time with Theo, trying to get her more comfortable exploring outside of my room, and I was just so exhausted that I decided lying down was for the best. I cleaned all the floors in the apartment yesterday, it was fine). But yeah, today basically overall sucked!!!

But you know what was good about it? That even though I felt like wallowing, and even though I did wallow a little externally and a lot internally, I also coped with my feelings in some very positive and healthy ways. I felt trapped in my space, so I spent the day in the living room. I felt sad and grumpy, so I lit a beautiful candle and sat in the sunlight by the window. I was stressed about money, so I applied for a bunch of freelance editing jobs. I felt stressed by the idea of actually having a kitten, so I spent time cuddling her and playing with her. I coped with things today! My back was hurting, so I stretched and put on a heating pad that was so hot that for a minute, I couldn’t feel any pain at all. And you know what else happened? I was watching Criminal Minds in my living room and I sort of fell asleep. I took a little baby nap, and when I woke up, the world didn’t feel so awful. I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I just know that a lot has been going on, a lot more than what I’ve written about here, but today it piled up and I let myself get buried by it a little. I guess there is a point, and it’s that you can let yourself get buried for a moment, but then you have to turn to your tried and true positive methods for coping with stress and sadness and pain, and you have to do the work. I guess that’s all for today. Letting go of what no longer serves me and holding on to what does.

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