I have been totally uninspired to write these past few days, both work-writing and writing on here. I’ve just felt…blocked. A lack of inspiration isn’t really it. I think a better way to describe it is almost feeling like I’d lost the ability to write. Obviously I know that’s not true. I think it’s more like my confidence in my writing faded away a little bit, and I’ve been feeling like I’m not good enough to actually be a writer. I’ve been feeling sort of down in general. Just sort of blah. Not sad, really, just sort of not present, going through the motions. I’m still not great at just living in my not-so-pleasant feelings and understanding where they come from, and considering that this feeling was similar to just lacking energy, it was really difficult for me to feel inspired to investigate the emotion. Sometimes I just feel really separate from the people around me, like there’s this thin film between me and the rest of the world. I can see everything and everyone, but it’s a struggle to connect, and I have this deep-down feeling that the connection I’m trying to make is impossible. I think part of that feeling is that I put a lot of pressure on myself to match the moods and energies of the people around me. It’s not on purpose or even conscious most of the time, but it’s definitely something I do and it’s part of how I relate to the people around me (this is not a good thing. I’m working on it). And so I think that when I find myself unable to match their moods, I feel really distant and lost. And I don’t know, how sad and lame is that. That I’m so dependent on the people around me for validation and joy. Does it really make me happy to reflect back negative energy? That goes against everything I actually believe in, and would like to believe about myself. So really, no, it doesn’t make me happy. But it gives me this horrible in-the-moment satisfaction at being able to blend in with the people around me, to make them more comfortable with their feelings.
What a sad cycle to be stuck in. When I’m happy and the people around me are irritated or sad or bored, I minimize my happiness. Why not just step back from the situation? Why not just take time for myself so that I can enjoy my joy? Because deep down, I still crave external validation, and now that I’m not getting it from work or school, I seek it from anyone in my vicinity. And that’s simply gross. I’m not interested in being that person anymore! I want to be content just being. I want to be able to allow myself to feel however I feel and that just be that. I don’t want to seek approval from other people on my feelings, because hello, that’s absolutely ridiculous. And I guess I get frustrated because it seems like everyone around me is able to just go about their business and feel comfortable with themselves, and I’m the only one who feels the need to bend over backwards to fit with other people. It’s frustrating because I wish I was comfortable enough to just stand on my own and just feel how I feel and exude whatever energy I’m experiencing. And it’s also frustrating because I feel like the people that I’ve spent a lot of time around grow to expect this from me. And obviously that’s mostly my fault because I’m the one who does it, but it does sometimes feel like the people closest to me expect me to always reflect whatever they’re experiencing. And it really truly is my fault, because I’m the one who does it, but I just wish for once people would ask me how I’m doing or how I’m feeling and what I need. And it’s just complicated, because I can’t expect things from people without asking for them, but I also wish the people in my life would just, for once, give me the energy I give them. Not in the toxic “I’m in whatever mood you’re in” type of way, but just in the way that like, I’m always the sounding board for my friends. I’m always available to help, always available for support. But I don’t know if anyone gives that same energy back to me. I don’t know. Sometimes I think it’s on me, because I am such a private person with my friends. I’m extremely reluctant to talk about myself, even with my closest friends. So maybe everyone’s just reacting to the wall that I’ve put up to keep them out. I don’t know. I guess the takeaway here is that I have a whole lot of work to do on myself. Like a lot. It’s a process. Things take time. I’ll get there, and I accept every step of the process.
But yeah. Basically, the past few days I’ve felt like a human embodiment of the word ugh.
image from @liviafalcaru