choice.

I had sort of a rough day today. I felt really bad about my body, and it was really frustrating because in the moment, I could find a way to feel better. I struggled to love my body, despite how badly I want to. I felt so frustrated that I am always conscious of my body, and how it looks, and does my stomach have rolls when I sit like this, and is this a bad angle for me, and I can’t go into the bathroom without lifting my shirt to check how my stomach looks, and all this other bullshit that is so absolutely ridiculous. The best way I have found for myself to cope with those feelings is to seek out some sort of neutrality for my body. I don’t try to hide my body, but I do try to find some way for my body’s appearance not to be my main focus. And often times, the best way for me to do that is to put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants, pull my hair back into a low bun, get cozy under a blanket. And then, I provide some sort of care for my body. Tonight, I cared for my body by spending extra time cooking a delicious meal. The best way I know how to be kind to my body is by nourishing it. Not eating a disgusting low calorie salad, not by replacing dinner with a green juice, not by eating “healthy” things that I don’t enjoy, but by actually investing time in cooking a balanced, beautiful, colorful meal that tastes amazing and I have invested time and love and care into. Sometimes, what I need to feel better about my body is to feel as though it’s not being judged by others. What I need is to dress my body in a way so that I’m not able to judge it. So I wear cozy, comfortable clothes that make me feel protected. And then I feed myself something amazing that makes me feel energized and strong and good, and I appreciate the work I put into making that meal for myself. And by the end of this ritual, I usually feel a lot better. After doing those things for myself today, I feel a lot better. I’m proud that I’m not longer the type of person I was five years ago, for whom a day like today would’ve meant skipping meals for a week. I’m sad that I still feel so awful about myself sometimes, but I am overjoyed that I respond to that pain with genuine self care. I am learning to take care of myself, and that growth is so important. And I am beyond proud that tomorrow when I wake up and look in the mirror, I will choose to tell myself that I am beautiful, and that I am worthy. I will choose to love myself, and I will keep choosing to take care of myself. I am proud of myself. I love myself. I am overjoyed to be who I am, and every day I will keep choosing that joy and that love. And really, that’s all I’ve got for today.

photo by @iuliastration

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