I always forget what an adjustment it is to move into a new place with new people. I forgot how it tests your boundaries and forces you to reassert who you are and how you are. Or maybe I’ve just never had boundaries before so it didn’t matter. That might be it. But this time around, I do. I have my own identity, my own boundaries, my own lifestyle, and it’s been a mild struggle to resist letting go of the things that are important to me in order to make things more convenient for the people around me. The effects of me easing up on my boundaries have been immediate and extremely obvious. I’m exhausted, always, emotionally and physically. I feel uncomfortable when I do assert my boundaries, and it’s like my instincts are telling me I’m wrong for having those boundaries. I don’t sleep as well, I’m anxious and worn out, and I find myself feeling really negatively about myself. I know, that seems like a lot, and I’m sure it’s possible that there are other reasons for feeling this way, but I’m fairly certain of the cause. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to remain myself around new people. I didn’t realize I’d have to reassert my boundaries over and over again until the new people around me understood them. Being emotionally healthy is such work. But it’s so much worse feeling like this. Ugh. I really don’t have much to say. Just that I’m exhausted, and I need to be less afraid of disappointing people. Because the reality is, I’m disappointing everyone, especially myself, by being like this. I’m not doing anyone any good by making myself constantly available and treating myself badly for the supposed sake of others. And I need to be less afraid of telling people what I think and what I need and what matters to me. I need to start being assertive. And I will. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I’m over it. Time to do better.
photo ft: the first time since moving here where I’ve felt comfortable acknowledging my boundaries, and it led to me immediately feeling so much better and comfortable and happy and actually enjoying my night. Also ft the gorgeous fall candles I treated myself to.