Today is honestly just so awfully confusing. Personally, I feel so happy. I got my hair done yesterday and it made me feel so connected to myself and so beautiful. And then last night, I finished putting together the last of the furniture for the new apartment, so finally, everything is finished and looks so neat and organized and beautiful. So personally, and in the moment, things feel really good. But if I look anywhere outside of this moment, everything feels like it’s falling apart. RBG passed last night, and it’s so devastating for so many reasons. I want to mourn her and honor her for being such an incredible trail blazer for women, but the space in my heart that I keep trying to make for that mourning is overwhelmed by terrible fear and anxiety. And that fear and anxiety comes from the fact that her death has just emphasized how terribly broken our government is. And it feels just that much clearer how dangerous and deadly this country will become (like, more so than it is now) for women, LGBTQ+, people of color, Muslims, Jewish people, and basically anyone who isn’t a straight cis white Christian. I don’t want to feel this way about RBG’s death because though obviously she had flaws and made choices that didn’t always seem right, she changed this country for women. And I just want to be able to celebrate that and cry for the loss of that but it just doesn’t feel like there’s room for it. When I think about her now, my mind and body just flood with this angry, anxious terror over how bad things could get. I’m scared. I want to feel the joy of the present moment, but I’m experiencing this divisive dichotomy in my heart—the joy that the little moments of my day bring me, and the absolute fear and devastation I feel over the actual state of the world, and what the future might hold. It’s so overwhelming to have both of those things inside of me at once, and I feel like I’m being split in two because I’m feeling all of it at once. But there’s really no other choice than to feel everything at once, because that’s life. Joy through heartbreak, and the confusion that might cause. Moments of happiness through times of pain. I wish we had the space to grieve and mourn RBG, and it only adds to the devastation that we don’t. But we do have the space to honor her—we honor her by dismissing the idea that her passing means that the fight is over. We honor her by fighting that much harder. We honor her by following in her footsteps and by making sure as hell that Donald Trump doesn’t win this November. It’s hard not to have the space to mourn someone so iconic and groundbreaking. But not honoring her isn’t an option. Honor her by continuing the fight, and honor her by finding the joy in the small moments. Honor her by not ever giving up. Because she never even considered that option, and so we sure as hell don’t get to.

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