hair cuts & changes.

Here’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately: is this actually a good decision, or am I subconsciously self-destructing? What brought this question on today, you might ask? It’s pretty frivolous, but my hair. Every year around this time, I get the urge to do something drastic to my hair. Four years ago, I box-dyed my hair pink and then dark brown. Three years ago, I got the awful dark brown box-dye professionally color corrected and dyed back to blonde. Two years ago, I chopped all that dead blonde hair off to a shoulder-length bob. And last year, I went platinum blonde (that is, after considering getting extensions and even paying $100 for a consultation before realizing that it would cost like two grand). I’ve been platinum blonde since then, and just recently got my roots done from their severe quarantine growth. But aside from the occasional touch-up, I haven’t changed anything about my hair in the last year. I’ve just been growing it out and keeping up with my platinum blonde, and that’s it. But now it’s fall, and I don’t know what it is about fall that makes me want to do something crazy to my hair, but I’m back in that headspace.

The problem is, I love my hair color! I know that it’s perfect for me and suits me completely, and also I’ve invested an embarrassing amount of money into it at this point, so I definitely don’t want to change my color. And my hair is the longest it’s been in years! I’ve spent the last year and a half growing it out and taking care to keep it healthy and strong and nice, and I know without a doubt that I do not want to cut it off. I had short hair for years, and I don’t think I want to go back to it any time soon.

So, what does that leave me with? Well, it leaves me sitting here thinking about getting bangs. God. Bangs. Have I learned nothing from my many forays into impulsive hair choices? If there’s any lesson I should’ve learned by now, it’s that I have bad impulses when it comes to my hair. My instincts should be ignored, because when it comes to my hair, my true inner voice is nowhere to be seen. She vanishes off the face of the earth, and this devious, evil poser pretending to be my inner voice takes her place and tells me to dye my hair purple or some bullshit like that. My point is that, historically, I have never made an impulsive choice about my hair that turned out well. Dying my hair platinum? I thought about it for months, and it turned out amazing. Dying my hair dark brown? I thought about it for one day and did it from a box. Possibly one of my worst looks of all time.

But here I am, thinking about pretty, Parisian, Brigitte Bardot-inspired curtain bangs. I can’t stop thinking about them! But I know that bangs are generally not a good decision! Especially during times of emotional distress, and hello, we’re in a pandemic. Life is nothing but emotional distress. And seriously, how many times have I opened twitter to see something like, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t get bangs. Generally, it’s a good lesson for sure. But like…if no one ever gets bangs, then how do the Zooey Deschanel’s and Dakota Johnson’s of the world find their signature looks?!? How do I know if I don’t try! Obviously I’m not saying that I am comparable to Zooey or Dakota, because hello, very few people are. But my point is just that bangs can’t always be a bad idea. And I’m not going to do full on blunt bangs or Amelie-esque baby bangs (though if I could pull that off, I absolutely would and I worship at the feet of anyone who can pull off that look), I’m just going to do a kind of subtle curtain fringe bang type of deal, and if I don’t like it, it’s quarantine, so does it even matter? And it’ll grow out so fast. I think it’s a good idea because I am all about the hair wispies when I have my hair pulled back, so this is just like a bolder, more organized version of my signature hair wispies. The more I write the more I’m convincing myself to do it, and like odds are I will do it at my hair appointment this week. But I can’t help but wonder, is it my inner self-saboteur telling me to get bangs? Because this is a thing I do, it really is. When I’m feeling good or confident or happy, I do something, either to my appearance or to my life, to destroy that happiness. I am happy with the way my hair is right now, so is my Brigitte Bardot dream just more self-sabotage? I don’t think so, I certainly hope not, but I don’t really know for sure. Like I said, my ~~inner voice~ goes out the window when it comes to conversations about my hair. So I think I’m going to do it. Because the reality is that it’s just not that drastic of a change, and if I don’t like it, it’s just hair. It grows back.

Maybe this is a lesson I need right now. To kind of let go of things and allow time to affect change and growth, and stop feeling like any slight change will lead to disaster. Because it won’t. Change, especially right now, is so necessary. We all need to do some changing and growing and healing. Being afraid of change these days is understandable, since the world has gone through so many intense, traumatic changes over the last few months, but I think a lot of us have gone through a lot of important, healing, beautiful personal changes as well. So I’m choosing to allow space in my life for change. I’ve changed nearly every aspect of my life in the last few months, so why not let myself make this small change, too? In the grand scheme of things, what do a few inches of hair matter? So, yeah. I’m letting go. I’m making room for change. I’m inviting change. I’m embodying change. It’s fall. I think there’s just something in the air this time of year. We all feel this urge to shed our old selves to rebuild for the new season. And maybe it is a bad idea, maybe I am a self-destructor. But I don’t think it’s the haircuts that are self-destructive, I think maybe it’s my perspective on them. My hair is neither the beginning nor end of my world. I think now more than ever I need a lesson in letting go a bit, and maybe this is it. So, that’s it then. Bangs it is. Brigitte Bardot, here I come.

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